Guest Blog for Aquatic Behavior

My friend Tori of Aquatic Behavior asked a few fellow bloggers to fill in for her whilst she was on her super awesome Alaskan cruise honeymoon last month. I happily obliged, welcoming the opportunity to discuss a subject I’d previously had little reason to discuss, let alone write about on my own blog: weddings!

Like seriously, weddings? They’re good to get drunk at but that’s pretty much all I thought about them until recently.

Anyway, visit Aquatic Behavior. Be sure to poke around for those honeymoon pics (ALASKA IS GORGEOUS!) and for pretty much the only newlywed stuff that doesn’t make me want die–Tori and Dan are very cute together, and sweet and not annoying at all. Donno how you do it, but bravo, kids! Click below to read my guest post. 

I grew up never wanting to get married. My parents had a crappy marriage and they just didn’t make marriage seem like a good arrangement. I never wanted kids either, so I was just planning to do my solo feminist thing: me, a few adopted pets, maybe have the occasional boyfriend. Moreover, I never thought anyone would marry me: I’ve never been in love like that, or in any type of love at all resembling the love you have for someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Then something happened: my mid-twenties. Well, that and I became addicted to Say Yes To The Dress. I’ve been to ten weddings in the last couple of years, and have seen my friends marry some incredible people. I have relented on my uber-feminist, I-don’t-need-a-man life plan. I am open to the idea of getting married, and even the idea of having children (but not right now). And yes, I have been taking mental notes and making the following plans in case I ever do get married.

No Children Allowed
Children are unpredictable. They make messes, they are loud, they can get hurt, and they don’t like alcohol so we have pretty much nothing in common. I do not want them at my wedding. I LOVE getting wedding invites that read “Adult Reception To Follow” because that means two things: 1) alcohol! and 2) I can say all my favorite four-letter-words. And, weddings are celebrations of a relationship between two people, not about that one kid who shows off tearing up the dance floor. I hate showoffy kids.

Stay Indoors
When you’re as pale as I am, being in the sun for any amount of time sucks. I got a sunburn on half my face at a wedding last summer and had to explain for the next week why only half my face was red (I was partially underneath a tree). I also dislike bugs, I’m allergic to a few trees and things that are very common to the area where I live, and–this one’s weird–I really freaking hate bird noises. So I will not be having a wedding ceremony or reception outside.

The sad fact about that is, outdoor weddings can be done on the cheap much easier than indoor ones. My friend got married at a popular park in the South Bay last year, and her entire venue cost was $260. I love San Francisco City Hall, but I think that even I’d have too much people for a wedding there unless it was one of the quickie ceremonies or one in the rotunda. I won’t have ten grand for the rotunda, or for my next favourite San Francisco venue, Great American Music Hall.

A Bachelorette Party At The Tank
I want to get married during hockey season. I love winter and it would be nice to have an anniversary in my favorite month of November. But the real reason? The best bachelorette party ever would be in a suite at a Sharks game. Hockey is my favorite thing the world, and I need a good excuse to get super drunk and watching my favorite team from a suite. I’m sure my friends would oblige!

I Have My Own Ring
So this should make me kind of appealing, cos I’m basically saying “Please don’t spend any of your money on just me”. I have a ring that was given to me by my maternal grandmother: a beautiful Edwardian-style ring with 2 carat diamond. I used to wear it to deter creepers at work from flirting with me, but I’ve stopped wearing it lately because dating someone whilst you’re wearing a big ol’ wedding ring is kinda odd.


BLING BLING!

I don’t like diamonds or expensive jewelry to begin with, but come on. This ring is so perfectly me! The only finger it fits on is my left ring finger. I would never wear this if I had another blingy ring, so why not use this as my wedding ring? I suppose I would change my mind if I was given some other sort of heirloom from my fiance’s family, but generally boys don’t get rings from their grandmas.

My Grandma’s Dress
My great-grandparents were married at 14 and 16 in 1938 (they have been married for over 70 years!). My grandparents were married when Peggy Olsen was still Don Draper’s secretary–that is, 1962. My dad is only about a year younger than Don’s youngest son. (Can you tell I love Mad Men? I would marry that whole show if I could). My entire family is about ten years younger than the parents/grandparents of my friends. It’s a little weird, but I digress.

What that means is that my grandmother and I have almost the same taste in clothing. I have always loved vintage fashion–mostly the 1950s/early 1960s New Look–thus I believe my paternal grandmother’s wedding dress is THE. CUTEST. THING. EVER. Well, cutest thing ever besides this picture:


Wayne and Shirley Cole, 1962

My friends think it’s funny that even though I didn’t want to get married until a few months ago, I can rattle off my wedding dress design in one breath: “Ivory, tea-length, scoopneck, three-quarter-sleeve rayon with a delicate lace overlay”. It’s not much different from the type of dresses I wear all the time, except I don’t wear white or crinolines on a daily basis. I loathe the idea of wearing a dress just once, so I would probably dye my wedding dress another color and wear it all the time after my wedding.

Actually…I Want To Elope
I had a mild freakout a few months ago when my boyfriend was talking about a wedding he went to. I started imagining myself at a huge wedding like that, in a big white dress with two hundred people staring at me, expected to wow them and entertain them. I actually started getting anxious, and it wasn’t even real. I freaked out about being in front of imaginary people. That’s how much I loathe being the center of attention.

My dream wedding would be an elopement. I don’t care if any of my family members is present at my wedding (I only have eight of them, and we aren’t a close family). I’m sure they’d disapprove of anything I do anyway. I don’t want to pay for them to complain about my choices in food, venue, music, etc, so why not skip the whole thing? The idea of putting a few people I love on an Air Canada flight and going to a courthouse in the Great White North sounds much more appealing that figuring out how to hide my 88-year-old grandma who still says “towelhead” from my brown friends. Of course, I could just elope in California, but eloping to a place is romantic. (FYI, that right there was the third time in my life I have ever used that word).

Regardless of whether I choose to elope or to have a big, lavish affair, I’m officially one of those girls who has plans for her wedding. I never thought I’d say that. I really doubt anyone else will ever see me get married, but that doesn’t mean you can steal my plans! Well, none of them are terribly specific, with the exception of the wedding dress. I will get super offended if you steal that. And weddings are about two people, not one, so I’m open to changing most of these things. Just. Not. The. Dress.

All that said, I’d like to wish Tori and Dan the best of luck in their new partnership together. May he always say he loves her even when he’s mad, may he always relinquish the remote control during baseball season, and may she always forgive him for the stupid stuff he is going to do. I hope the wedding was a beautiful celebration of the two of them, and that it made up for Tori having to miss her San Francisco Giants celebrating Star Wars day. Mazel to you both!

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